WHERE I HAVE BEEN

Hello everyone and welcome to a very late blog post. It's been two months since I last posted. It has been constantly on my mind but the circumstances didn't allow me to sit down and write. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy to blog every week, but I didn't expect that I would be so late to do so. Hopefully I am back and I will try to upload every two weeks, but no promises there.

Life is just too complicated right now. I am working more at the office, the master's program has begun (and the assignments are piling up), I am getting driver's lessons. It's just so hectic. I like having my schedule fully packed, so then I don't get any excuses to get lazy. I like my work, I like being a student again, the driving is a bit difficult for me (well I only had a few lessons so far) and gets me nervous but I think I am starting to like it.

If you know me you know that I am sort of a perfectionist. When I decide that I am doing something, I will do it perfectly or I won't do it at all. I will give my 100% of my soul, I will try again and again until I achieve it. Well lately it hasn't been like that. I get tired and angry, I think less of myself and more importantly I consider quitting. That may seem normal to some, but it is not me. I have a family that struggled to raise me and my three siblings, and in hard times my parents didn't quit, they fought and stood tall. That's who I want to be.

On top of that, you know, life can get very overwhelming. We all have those meltdowns (girls probably more for obvious reasons), where you just can't get yourself to cheer up. I was never an optimistic person, maybe that is part of the problem too. For instance, what's happening to me is that there is some days that any tasks I am given at work I nail and then I can go home and relax, but also there is days that nothing works and then I get home and I am all nervous and then I even get nervous in my sleep...I am still new to this, and it has been a bit better, but I don't think that in this profession you can ever stay calm. This is what is new to me.

I also haven't been going out at all. During the week there is no time left to go out, I also need to go to the supermarket, I have to cook and I have to do laundry and do the dishes and....you get the point. But when the weekend comes, and I am finally free, I am just too tired to do any more than laying on the couch and watching Netflix. Believe me I do want this to stop happening. And the worst is that I think to myself, I am not living my life. Life is too short. And there is still so much I want to experience but I keep postponing them.

I still haven't found balance. I am still not entirely used to everything that is new in my life. I have been trying out some things to give myself some peace of mind and confidence that I can keep up with everything. I have to remind myself all the things I have already achieved, and that none of it happened without hard work and definitely didn't happen over one night. I keep on dreaming and I keep on believing. I don't want to fail me.

For anyone else out there who hasn't been at their best, I sympathize with you. It gets better. It has to.

See you soon,

MK